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"Spare Children the Grief (as much as possible)"
This
article was first published in Divorce
Magazine and is re-printed with their full permission.
Continued from Page 1
I have a checklist of what I think are appropriate boundaries for parents who simply don’t agree and who don’t get along with one another. I take special care and as much time as necessary with my clients to help them with a plan to handle difficult moments with their ex—especially situations that directly effect the children.
The following are my suggestions for sparing the children any more grief than necessary:
- Never, and I mean never, bad-mouth your ex in front of the
children. Despite what a louse you may think your ex is, that person
is still your child’s parent. As such, it’s traumatic each time a
child hears one parent berate the other. Psychologists and Marriage
and Family Counselors tell us that the children tend to
instinctively feel that if something is wrong with one or the other
parent then something must be wrong with them. Save your angry
remarks for your therapist, or vent your feelings and opinions to a
trusted friend.
- Never argue in front of the children. They tend to feel anxious and
embarrassed and will be left to feel torn between their allegiance
to each parent.
- Work out schedules and important arrangements ahead of time. That
is, well in advance so there is no confusion or uncertainty for the
children. Make sure agreed upon visitation times-and I mean specific
times—are in writing. This way you can justifiably take your
complaints to your attorney, a court mediator or a judge. Better to
take your grievances there than to display them to your ex in front
of the children. If your ex is tough to deal with he or she may not
be the type with whom you can have an open-ended relationship when
it comes to matters that involve the children. So then, plan ahead
carefully so both you and the children can feel a sense of what to
reasonably expect.
- Actions speak louder than words. If you think you and your children
are being treated disrespectfully by your ex spouse try to set a
positive example by not reacting negatively to such behavior. Take
satisfaction in knowing that your children will eventually figure
out which parent is the good guy and who is not. Children are smart.
They know what is and what is not appropriate behavior. In the long
run your children will have tremendous respect for the parent who
takes the "high road."
- Pay close attention to how your children are feeling. This is
especially true when they see the two of you together. Your body
language, your tone of voice, your overall demeanor can give you
away if you’re feeling hostile or resentful. Focus on the children,
not on your ex. And, if you notice that the children feel noticeably
uncomfortable when you encounter your ex, encourage them to talk
about their feelings and offer them the support of a therapist.
Often children need an outside advocate to help them deal with their
polarized or uncomfortable feelings about Mom and Dad.
- If tensions are really high between you and your ex spouse seek
assistance. See if you can arrange to have the children dropped off
and picked up at the home or office of a neutral party when the need
arises. Sometimes it’s better for the children not to be in the
company of both parents if the vibe is bad. This solution gives the
children and, quite possibly, you and your ex, less reminders to
stir up negative feelings.
- I’m certain, as a loving parent, you always want to protect the
peace of mind and well being of your children. Just know that being
the bigger person—whether it means being more flexible with the
visitation schedule or biting your tongue when you just want to
sound off at what you think is unfair in front of your ex and the
children—will pay more dividends in the long run. For starters
you’ll take great pride in showing your ex that he or she can no
longer push your buttons!
A frequent contributor to Divorce Magazine and a member of Divorce Magazine's Advisory Board, Ms. Phillips is a seasoned family law attorney whose practice has run the gamut from high profile clients to representing the interests of women and men in the political arena both on a local and federal level. View her Divorce Magazine Profile online.
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